I did get some amusement watching the cats play with their new christmas presents, the dog is outside running around so don’t worry he was not excluded from the festivities Last night I had a mini melt down that I was going to spend the holidays alone without my DH and family. I just felt so alone I still do but I am coping. Until about 6 last night I thought I was going to spend it totally alone but then a friend ofmine decided to have breakfast together, so I should be going over to have brunch shortly. Before that I was trying to find a flight to FL to spend it with my family I found a cheap flight but wouldn’t you know the car rental was more than the flight so that sidelined all of my attempts the fees would have been more than I was willing to pay. If DH is deployed on the holidays again which I know that is a given I am going to spend it with family hell or high water. Hopefully there will be little one(s) to tag along with me too

I still have not heard from the egg donor company in CA but maybe it goes with the saying the best things in life are worth the wait. What do you think? I sure hope so I have started researching donor sperm banks as well they are not as expensive as DE companies but then again it shouldnt cost that much for porn and a plastic cup, lol. Trying to find one that looks like Allen now that is the hard part at least online on Monday I plan on calling to see what I can find out.

Anyway wishing you all a very Merry Christmas

I had my appointment today with Dr. S and I had a feeling where things were going however I did not see it heading in the direction it took. Dr. S confirmed trying to get me pregnant with my own eggs us like making it snow in the middle of the desert. I have a 5% chance. However he then went on to tell me that our chances with Allens sperm and donor eggs is about 10-30% thats not alot. So he suggested we do donor eggs with donor sperm and Allens sperm ( I like this option the best since there is still a chance of having DHs child). He also wants to rerun my lupus clotting test to assure I can even carry a baby to term. I am a bit numb it just seems as if the hits just keep on coming again and again

Tomorrow afternoon I have another appointment with Dr. S at Conceptions to see what he thinks of all the test results he just ordered. I have a bad feeling his answer may be donor eggs (DE) not that it is totally bad but it will officially mean the end of our genetic search either way we are given a child we are going to love it. I am going to wear my peguin socks again just in case.

I spent the evening with an acquaintance of mine,  her children as well as a friends children, we went to see the Holiday parade of homes. They were beautiful by the way and then we had dinner at Texas Roadhouse YUMMY. Well this is the part I don’t understand maybe my readers can help me out. Why would you marry someone you are not in love with? I just don’t get it and sadly my mom told me the same of her marriage to my dad (maybe that is why they are divorced). I can not fathom why you would pledge your life with someone you just like……thats like eating  your favorite sandwhich wet or  going skiing without your skis.

I love my husband to death which is why I said yes, I cannot picture my life without him, not to say that there will never be a time when it may call for us to separate we are human and capable of human error. However the main thing is I love him, I have loved him since the day we met in high school I love him with all my heart and being. And you know what he loves me, I am his wonderful, amazing wife. I don’t know how you can share a life with someone you really just like………..would a pet have been better?

Those are the words I got to wake up to this moring as I read my Blackberry :0)

What a wonderful way to wake up my husband sent me an email not just to tell me he loves me but he thinks I am amazing. WOW!

There are no words to express how much I love my husband, if you can think of loving someone until it hurts then your half way to understanding the love my husband have for each other. I guess you can say that he had me from hello :0)  I am thankful everyday for GOD placing Allen in my life I don’t know what I did to have such an amazing partner in life but I am so blessed that I do.

We have faced the highs and lows of IVF together and it has made our bond that much stronger, I remember when we were in Korea and I just knew that I was pregnant when I took the test and it came out BFN (Big Fat Negative) I remember just falling into his arms and crying we stayed that way all night only to wake up to him kissing me on the forehead telling me its ok and how much he still loves me. I just layed there staring at him in disbelief I thought for sure after all my miscarriages that at any moment he would tell me get to stepping but no he stayed and he loves me like I am the most valuable thing in the world. How many women can wake up to that feeling????

Even when I am mad I know he is still there for me.

I love my husband

I finally could not take it any longer and left a message for Dr. Swansons nurse she called me back well it appears I am normal across the board except for one test my AMH levels are really, really low. A normal AMH level starts at 2.5 well mine starts at 0.3 I am a whole 2.2 degrees off from normal…

What are “normal” and “abnormal” levels of AMH?AMH levels less than 0.2 ‐ 0.5 ng/mL are associated with increased IVF cycle cancellation rates and fewer eggs retrieved from the ovaries. ‐B or estradiol levels.  

•Recent data suggest that AMH levels may reflect fertility potential more accurately than conventional markers like FSH, inhibin

•AMH levels may be better indicators of the ultimate chance that a woman will achieve a pregnancy than FSH levels.

•A high AMH level (greater than 3.6 ng/mL) may predict that a woman is at increased risk for ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. In such women, the dose of medications with IVF can be reduced to avoid this side effect of fertility treatments.

•AMH levels greater than 2.5 ng/mL are associated with greater number of eggs retrieved and a better fertility potential.

So this would explain why ALL our cycles have been cancelled. I have an appointment with Dr. Swanson on Tues at this point it looks like an egg donor or embryo donation will be our only option.

I just got off the phone with the company that is offering to help us and she told me the owner is out of town and will not be back in the office for a few days :0) However, she says she is still working on trying to help us hopefully she saud she is trying to find a way to make it feasible for us to do a cycle with them however that may mean flying to CA for treatment.

I posted on a board I belong to in order to see if anyone has heard about the egg donation company that I am looking into well someone responded and sent me a link to a forum where they discuss the different agencies well there are ALOT of bad press for the company however there was one positive. Most, well almost all of the press was in regards to how they treat their donors not recipients but if you treat your donors bad how well do you treat the recipients?? This company is suppose to be one of the largest in CA how do you get to be so huge and run so badly? If this is the case?

I have been so happy the last few days thinking you know what this just may happen, We will FINALLY have OUR baby, then as always I feel the rug slowly being pulled from under me. I hope this company has turned itself around most of th post that I have found have been dated. Tomorrow I plan on contacting the BBB in CA to see if they know anything about them.

Sometimes hope feels like its not enough…………………………..but then again……………………

Who Knows……………….

here is the company’s online review from the BBB, there is nothing here:

I recieved an email on Thursday from a company by the name of www.eggdonor.com they sent an email telling me through the next few weeks they are offering pro bono and discounted egg donor programs so of course I gave them a ring. I spoke with a representative on Friday and she asked me to tell her a bit about our story which I told her she wanted to know how long we had been trying, what we did for a living, and how strapped of course we are for IF treatments. I explained that we had paid off the loan we had with Capital One now if we try to continue we will be in hole. A few more questions later and she told me that she wanted to run us by her boss and she would try to contact me later on if not on Monday since they were having a christmas party. I didn’t hear from her on Friday so Monday hopefully will bring good news :0) She also asked if we would be interested in embryo donations which I said YES!

The problem is, well not problem but I don’t know too much about this company. Whether you search for good news or bad there is nothing to be found…….

So do any of you????

I spoke with Allen about it and he is going to try to look them up when or if he can, I looked up there database and saw some awesome potential donors there was even one that states she is 6′2 which is great for Allen and I. I am 6′0 and he is 6′2.

So now I wait and see monday I should hopefully get an update from Conceptions for the remainder of my tests.

I got a text message from a friend today that her mom is unexpectedly expecting and does not want to keep the baby, she is 4-5 weeks along. My friend says she is only keeping the pregnancy to give the baby to her or possibly us. My friend is also having a hard time concieving so to me it seems she would be the best fit since it is her mom. I spoke with Allen today about it and he says maybe its our hidden blessing…….

Only time will tell my friends mom has only found out she is pregnant today and I don’t know if she has spoken to the father of the baby. I guess we will just have to wait and see

Sorry I didnt post until now I got my results back yesterday morning for some of the results from my blood testing. While most are good I did have one that was not so good……

My FSH came back within normal ranges at 6

My LH came back within normal ranges at 3

My E2 levels also within normal ranges at 67

My resting follicle count was less than stellar I had a total of  5, I was advised they would like to see 10+ so I am midway but for all the resting counts I have had that is about average for me.

There are three more test that will take anywhere from 7-10 days to get the results back and those are my AMH, Lupus, and DVT tests, from there Dr. Swanson, Allen and I will figure out what our best options are. We are still praying that there is a possiblity for a biological child which we know from my bodies prior performance may be slim to none. To help things along I have started taking 75mg of DHEA per day I have been doing some research and from what I have found it is noted that taking 75mg of DHEA a day has been noted to help other women who have low ovarian reserve to produce enough healthy eggs for a succeful IVF cycle, the process takes 4 months to work so I have started now that would lead to a hopeful March cycle.

In other news, my awesome hubby suprised me early with my christmas present I got a netbook which will be AWESOME next semester as I have 5 possibly 6 classes I will need to take to finish my certification program :0) He is such an AWESOME guy, I love him!!!!