I have had a really hard week and I feel like I am in a state of constant whirlwind of feelings. I know at this point I am my husbands wife. I have no idea why I want to stick up for people that I know will get me in trouble ??? Even if the person is lets say out of the loop I don’t like it when they get mowed down like little weeds. I do know sometimes you have to let a person fall on their own sword but I don’t see the need to push them. I realize this persons time may be coming swiftly but for some reason I am still protecting them……
This week someone I know passed away and I am having a hard time dealing with it, I talked to this person in passing alot and knew them through my job. We never hung out together but I am still really upset. Both my jobs are a wee bit exhausting, I really just want to crawl under a rock and hide and cry and get mad and throw things and I just want to get off this rollercoaster! Tomorrow I have a spa date planned hopefully that will bring me a little bit of piece.
Well I went to see Dr. Swanson today at Conceptions for my second opinion. The staff was really nice and Dr. Swanson was just as kind. We sat down and went over all of my tests and developed a plan where he would like to go. He told me that the test my former RE performed were very accurate, he would however rerun the test for my ovarian reserve however he does not know if my levels will come up, my FSH level is great however its my AMH and Lit hormones that are out of wack. Dr. Swanson believes that the reason I am the way I am is because of a really bad past incident which really hurt me and it appears now it is back to hurt me again and this time it has incorporated my sweet husband. I was broken so I treated myself to a day out I went to the movies and then treated myself to a spa evening. So now Allen and I have some deciding to do we have one more IVF option that has not been tried or we can go back to donor eggs. Its so hard though to give up all your hopes and dreams of having your own biological child……..
I had a ball tonight. I went to the mile high step show with a friend of mine then had dinner at the cheesecake factory. Yummy. Tomorrow is straighten the house and possibly check on a family member in my husbands unit. Then make sure I have all the paperwork complete for my visit to Conceptions on Monday.
I great news I got to see my husband last night for a video date I haven’t seen him since he left it was so so good to see him and talk to him. I miss him.
Well the office recieved my massive medical records this afternoon and I am all scheduled to see Dr. Swanson on Monday:0) Hoping for good news……
I don’t know if we will do an IVF cycle there I just really want to know if I have POF (Premature Ovarian Reserve) i.e the vault is empty, no eggs. While going through my medical records I noticed that one statement had my estrogen levels at mid way meaning not alot of eggs but good enough, middle range, then there is the final one that said I have POF. We have only had one RE run tests so why not get a second opinion that has testing connected to it????
I am really, really nervous……..So send good vibes people :0)
So I have an appointment next Monday at Conceptions. I am going to see if they feel the same about the quality of my eggs and possibly do some testing ( depending on pricing). This will be our fifth RE in Colorado. We have done continuous cycles with the second RE all ending in heart break, the third RE use to work for the second RE so they had the same treatment plan plus he was more expensive, and the fourth was CCRM which is the most expensive of them all. The first RE believed I was too fat to even think about kids so I am praying that is not the answer of the REs at Conceptions.
So another ride on the baby rollercoaster here I come………………….
Well I have recovered from my aliments yeah!!! That really sucked.
Sorry to keep posting sparatically (sp?) between school, my day job, and my job with the Army I have been very busy lately. To those that continue to pray for Allen thank you from both of us. Thanks to the world we are living I am so thankful for my husband, family, and friends.
Speaking of friends one of my friends is featured in a wonderful article: http://video.nytimes.com/video/2009/10/10/health/1247465090225/million-dollar-babies-.html take a look, its about the trials, tribulations, and joys of trying to have a baby.
Well right now I think my life is very boring so I will end this post for now.
I am getting over my fears little by little….. I just miss my partner in crime, my best friend, my husband. This Saturday was our anniversary my DH sent me the most beautiful flowers to work :0) As for my recovery I still have tightening in the chest but better than Thursday my voice however is still on vacation :0( I have a Dr appt at 1:40 to see what is going on I was home all day yesterday and part of the day Saturday with hardly any speaking so what gives here??????? I found a possible new agency to do an adoption its called snowflake embryo adoption I filled out a questionaire to see how their programs work with military families. Hopefully there is good news….. well its time for me to get ready to go to the Dr I will try to update later.
update: I have viral laryngitis apparently I had a virus that caused the asthma attack and then attached to my larynx. So I am on voice rest which means no talking for the remainder of the week and on more steroids which make me feel wonderful. NOT!!!
So its about 10pm here and I am so beyond tired and really should go to bed but you know what I am scared beyond belief to do a simple task….sleep. Yesterday was a tough day on the job and normally when I am upset I tend to clean so I came home and cleaned the carpets and made a really awesome dinner for one of my co workers steak au poure with a truffle sauce and homemade fries well somewhere around there I started to get congested no problem I took some cold medicine and drank a hot glass of tea. By then I was really tired so I started for bed only to realize my congestion had gotten worse not better so I took a steam shower hoping that would realive my pain and that didn’t work either so I thought screw it I would just take a sleeping pill the end of the evil cold and a good nights rest for me. NOPE!! I woke up at 1:30 feeling like I was drowning in my sleep and the feeling was getting worse my chest felt like it was crushing me so I drove myself to the hospital and its a good thing I did I didn’t have a cold I had been having an asthma attack for about 10 hours ???? So I spent the night in the hospital. So why am I scared? No one knew how sick I felt I tend to be anti doctor if I can help it these days ( I was really sick a few years ago and since then I have a complex seeing the doctor too much means your a hypocondriack(sp?) ) So what if I didnt go to the hospital what if I continued to think I just had a hell of a cold? What if I died from an asthma attack? Who would even know I have two cats and a dog. I have acquaintances but no real friends here anymore. How long would I be dead before someone knew what happened to me. At least while I am up I am kind of cognative of all my actions. I don’t want to fall asleep what if this time I don’t wake up. I live alone and my husband is deployed in another country………. I am scared and I don’t like it
So far things are not looking so good on the horizion in the adoption world for us either, at this point we may not be here long enough to actually be able to adopt :0( We are looking into embryo adoption now however the sad thing is although there are embryos to adopt in our lovely state there are no African American embryos which is the same problem we ran into when we were looking at using donor eggs which is why my friend volunteered her eggs. So we are in limbo again…………………….
Suggestions anyone??????
Well Allen and I have talked it over and over and over and finally we are starting to think seriously about adopting which road we will take in adopting we don’t know yet. Right now we are thinking about foster adoptions and embryo adoptions, I have been talking to an agency so we shall see what transpires but as always the military is at the center of our decisions. When Allen comes home there is always the forethought of having to move and the most important right now, my husband is gone so how do you do a home study???? There are so many questions we have. I brought a book tonight on Adoption since my old version of adoption for dummies is just not what we need. I am hoping the case worker will be able to address all if not most of our questions. And hopefully it will all work out for the better.
